


Drowning

by snarkysweetness



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Forbidden Love, Priest!AU, Storybrooke AU, sinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2017-12-12 11:44:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snarkysweetness/pseuds/snarkysweetness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Killian Jones prepares to take up the cloth, a young seminary student, Aurora Rose, leads him to question his faith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Killian

**Author's Note:**

> This is another super late thing for Sleeping Hook Week because I fail. The prompt was ‘The Devil You Know’. This is chapter one of two. Enjoy, lovelies.

Killian Jones, former Navy brat and soon to be man of the cloth, kneeled before a pew, with a string of rosary beads between his fingers. He’s never been a very pious man, his father had been a sailor in every sense of the word and done his best to make sure his son was a ‘real man’, but Killian’s mother had been the closest thing to a living saint that he’d ever met and after her death, he’d turned to the church, finding comfort within its walls that he’d only ever felt in her arms.

He loathed the idea of confession. It seemed silly that any one man could assume the role of God and granting forgiveness to others. Killian partook in the tradition because it was a requirement, but he saved the real sins for the small moments, like this one, where he could speak to God directly, if he was even listening.

As of late Killian had begun to question his faith. Yes, his mother had always imparted the importance of religion and spirituality, but he’d always had doubts. The church had saved him from spiraling into depression after his mother’s long sickness had finally taken her from him, but he wasn’t sure if the obligation he felt was really enough to take him through taking his vows.

Hence why he was currently seeking guidance, that and…

_“You know, if you study too hard, you brain starts to leak out of your ears,” Aurora teased, leaning in the doorway to his dorm._

_Killian turned and gave her a big smile._

_“They’ll take my scholarship if my grades slip,” he reminded her._

_“Same here, but you don’t see me locking myself up every Friday night. I know you’re singing up for a life of the priesthood, but you could take a break to spend time with your friends, you know? Come on, its Miner’s Day, let’s have a little fun. And the nuns will be there, so it’s not like you’ll feel out of place.”_

_She gave him a small smile and he found it impossible to say ‘no’ to her._

For someone who had been an orphan raised by nuns, she certainly knew how to work a smile to get her way. They’d always known one another, but he’d never really taken notice of her. She was younger and by the time she’d blossomed into a woman, he was already devoted to the calling of the priesthood.

Their friendship had begun innocently enough; shy glances, small smiles, and eventually saying ‘hello’. They soon began finding reasons to run-in to another and somehow a flirtation had stirred up. He’d thought nothing of it at first, until the letters had started and since then he’d doomed himself for damnation.

_Killian stared down at her loopy scrawl and felt guilt tear at his gut. This was a sin, he was meant to take a vow of celibacy, but here he was, slowly falling in love with a girl who was too young and innocent for him._

_The knowledge of his transgressions didn’t stop him from slipping out his mother’s favorite stationary and writing her back._

“Hello, father, may I?”

He glanced up to find Aurora slipping into the pew next to him and he slowly rose from his knees and sat next to her.

“Miss Rose,” he whispered.

A smile tugged at her lips as she slipped her hand into his.

“The collar suits you,” she said. She attempted a smile but he could see the pain behind her eyes. Guilt tore at him once again; he was hurting her and his soul and he needed to stop it, before he hurt her more deeply.

He let go of her hand gently and didn’t take the note she’d attempted to slip him.

“We can’t anymore; I take my vows next week, Aurora. I’m-please forgive me.” He glanced up at the savior nailed to the cross and wondered who it was he was actually seeking forgiveness from. Without another word, he stood and left her alone, rushing to the front doors. He couldn’t bear to see her face; he didn’t trust himself not to turn his back on the church for her.

He stepped out into the rain and prayed that the water would wash away the stain of his misdeeds.

_“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, taking her by the waist before spinning her around on the dance floor. She smiled up at him, looking completely breathtaking in her Elizabethan Princess costume. Being such a small town, every holiday was a cause for celebration, even the ‘pagan’ ones as the Monsignor liked to point out. He’d allowed Mary Margaret to pick out his costume and he now realized they were matching. He wondered how much she suspected and why she was trying to push them together._

_“Well, you look rather dashing yourself,” she replied with a shy smile. He glanced down, reminding himself that the feelings he had for her were wrong. She not only deserved better than a poor seminary student, but he’d committed himself to God, which hadn’t been a decision he’d made lightly._

_Once the song ended, Killian released her awkwardly._

_“I should go, I’ve promised to help the Monsignor in the morning. Goodnight, Aurora.” He kissed the back of her hand and gave her a sad smile before leaving the small ballroom of the Mayor’s mansion._

_“Killian, wait,” she called after him. He made it as far as the empty hallway before she took hold of his arm. He turned back to find her gazing up at him with a look of longing. Before he could stop himself, Killian took her face in his hands and kissed her desperately. He’d forgotten what it felt like to kiss a woman and the way she eagerly returned it left his head spinning. She pulled him closer and he deepened the kiss, going as far as exploring her mouth with his tongue before his conscious got the better of him._

_“No, we can’t,” he protested, breaking away from her quickly._

_“No, we can! You’re not a priest yet and I’m only getting my degree in theology-“_

_“You deserve better. And I’m taking my vows, Aurora. This can’t happen again.”_

_The stunned look of agony that crossed her features broke her heart but it didn’t stop him from walking out on her._

“Killian Jones! You cannot keep walking away from me!” Aurora  yelled.

Killian stopped in the middle of the street and turned to find her standing in the rain, already soaked to the bone.

“Aurora! What are you doing out here? You’ll catch your death!” He had nothing to cover her up with, completely drenched himself. He stepped onto the sidewalk and pulled her into an alcove so she wouldn’t get any wetter.

“This is ridiculous! I know you have feelings for me. Do you really think God would let you have those feelings if you weren’t meant to act on them?”

“Aurora-“

“You kissed me, remember?”

“And that was a mistake! I slipped and it wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry!” The rain was coming down hard now and they were basically yelling just to hear one another.

“You’re an idiot, Killian Jones!” She cried, shaking her head. “You’re just afraid of your own feelings. That’s the only reason you decided to enter the priesthood, because you’re afraid to live. You could do anything or be anything you wanted but you don’t even want to try.”

Killian looked up and watched the rain with a sigh before looking back down at her.

“If I’m such an unmotivated idiot then why do you even want to bother with me?”

She frowned and shook her head.

“Idiot,” she muttered before leaning up to kiss him. She broke away after a moment and watched him sadly. “I love you and I think you love me too, you’re just not man enough to admit it.” She watched him, probably hoping he’d do or say something worthy of her declaration but he just stepped away, dumbstruck.

“I’m taking my vows next week, I’m sorry.”

Her lower lip quivered but she didn’t cry. She shot him a seething glare before turning on her heel and storming off into the night as thunder clapped in the sky. He watched her despairingly before slowly making his way back to the dorm. He didn’t bother undressing and putting on dry clothes when he entered his small room, he simply slammed the door shut and slid onto the ground where he buried his face in hands and cried.

He loved her more than he was devoted to the church and he feared it was too late to go back and fix his mistake.

“What do I do?” He whispered, staring up at a cross nailed to the wall, and wondering, not for the first time, if there was really anyone on the other side listening.


	2. Aurora

It was wrong; she knew it was wrong, but that didn’t stop her from doing it. She hadn’t even meant to fall in love with him, not really. It had just happened by accident, which just happened to be the story of her life.

Aurora Rose had come into existence because of an ‘accident’ on her mother’s part, because apparently lifting your skirts for the first man who came along without using protection couldn’t possibly leave you alone and pregnant at seventeen. Then there were all of the times her mother would ‘accidentally’ forget to come home at night, leaving Aurora alone and hungry, to fend for herself. And then of course there was the car ‘accident’ that took her mother from her, leavening no one but the nuns to look after her.

Of course, Aurora was anything but a fool and she knew full well that her mother had drank herself to death. She’d never had any business becoming a mother in the first place and the only favor she’d ever done Aurora was to hand her off to someone else to raise. It was a pity she’d had to die to do it, but it was what it was; she’d learned long ago not to dwell on the past.

That was how she’d gotten here, to this point in her life; living on a scholarship given to her by the church, studying theology, and madly in love with a man who was due to take the cloth any day now. She was a smart girl, for all intents and purposes, but foolish when it came to matters of the heart.

She’d known him most of her life. He’d come in to the church with his mother when she was a child until one day he stopped coming altogether. She found out later that he too had lost his mother which was when she’d really taken notice of him. Orphans weren’t uncommon in Storybrooke, but she was the only one living with the nuns and it was a lonely existence. When he returned to the church to study she made awkward attempts to befriend him. A smile here, a glance there, and eventually she worked up the nerve to say ‘hello’ and things progressed from there.

The letters were a mistake, she knew that now, but they’d stemmed from her boredom. She had no girlfriends, no one to share her thoughts with, so she’d write them down. One day, during a particularly painful lecture on the sins of Eve she began penning a letter to him; it was nonsense, really; stupid jokes, bad puns; just a silly trifle to befriend him.

Then they’d begun to spend time together, got out on the town, he introduced her to new people, and they became friends. Then the letter slowly became more intimate, until she was completely head over heels in love with him and she used them as a way to convey the feelings she knew better than to say aloud.

The worst part was she knew he felt the same, but he was far too saintly to act upon those feelings. And while she’d lived most of her life being selfless she couldn’t condemn herself to a life of unhappiness and loneliness because of him. She had to make sure he knew, before he officially became lost to her. She was a stubborn little thing and she was determined to fight for him until there was nothing left to fight for anymore.

Her guilt had settled for a time. He’d begun to write her back, it was clear he knew of his own feelings, and then…well, and then he’d kissed her. And not just any kiss, a real kiss. A kiss filled with emotion and passion and longing and then…

His damn virtue.

He was determined to remain faithful to the church and she was more determined than ever to be with him. They made quite the pair.

Despite her desires she made an honest attempt to stay away from him. If he felt his dedication to the cloth outweighed his love for her then she would respect his wishes, but the moment he kissed her she knew he was just afraid. He’d been hurt the way she had as a child, maybe even worse. She’d never known the love of a parent and he had and then lost it. She knew he feared what life outside of the church would mean and she couldn’t allow him to make the biggest mistake of his life, even if it meant not being with him.

She’d sacrifice anything to make him happy, even her own happiness.

That was how she’d arrived here, standing outside in the rain, screaming at the idiot man she’d fallen in love with.

“Aurora! What are you doing out here? You’ll catch your death!” She really wished they’d stayed back in the church, where it was warm. It had been dry when she’d arrived and she had no coat and was now freezing. She resisted the urge to cross her arms across her chest for warmth but he seemed to sense her discomfort anyway. He pulled her into the alcove where they were safe from the rain but now huddled closely together, which left her wanting to throw herself on him just for the body heat.

“This is ridiculous! I know you have feelings for me. Do you really think God would let you have those feelings if you weren’t meant to act on them?”

Aurora refused to believe in a God who would be so cruel as to allow them to love each other this way only to force them apart at his calling.

“Aurora-“

“You kissed me, remember?”

She remembered it every hour of every day. That memory was burned into her mind and body. She didn’t know where an altar boy turned seminary student had learned to use his lips in such a way, but she was thankful for it.

“And that was a mistake!” His words stung harder than a slap to the face. “I slipped and it wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry!”

“You’re an idiot, Killian Jones!” She shook her head and fought back the urge to cry. “You’re just afraid of your own feelings. That’s the only reason you decided to enter the priesthood, because you’re afraid to live. You could do anything or be anything you wanted but you don’t even want to try.”

“If I’m such an unmotivated idiot then why do you even want to bother with me?”

He stared down at her with an expression that reminded her of an abused puppy. She watched him with a frown. Was he really so dense?

“Idiot,” she muttered before leaning up to kiss him. She broke away after a moment and watched him sadly. “I love you and I think you love me too, you’re just not man enough to admit it.” She watched him, hoping he would say something, anything. Admit he loved her as well or at least acknowledge her feelings. Instead he watched her with a dumbstruck expression on his face before shaking his head.

Her heart fell into her chest.

“I’m taking my vows next week, I’m sorry.”

She felt her lower lip begin to quiver but she refused to cry in front of him. She wouldn’t give him that, not when she’d given him everything else. She glared at him for a long moment before turning and storming off. He didn’t even chase after her. She managed to make it back to her room before she burst into a fit of tears.

She couldn’t make it in to bed and she sat curled up on the floor, weeping for a man who was too cowardly to love her. She wished she could throw away her feelings, the way he seemed to be capable of, but she couldn’t. She hadn’t evolved past feeling everything; her love for him, the pain of knowing she meant so little to him, and the knowledge that she was still as alone as she’d ever been.

The only emotion she couldn’t muster was hatred. As much as she was hurting now she still loved him. That made her a very stupid girl and she punished herself by sleeping in her wet clothes that night, earning her a horrible cold to suffer through for the next few days.

It was a small blessing; the cold gave her an excuse to stay hidden in her room, avoiding him. Once she began to feel more like herself she became angry. She wanted to keep her distance from him but she also wanted him to feel her anger, to know he’d hurt her, so he would perhaps feel guilt or well…anything.

Aurora arrived at dinner for the first time in five nights and it proved to be just as awkward of an affair as she imagined it to be. She had missed a lot while she’d been sick, that much was clear. The nuns were all tenser than usual and the Monsignor was absent, as was Mother Superior, and they never missed dinner. One of the nuns kept shooting her furtive glances which Aurora ignored because she was too busy glaring at Killian. He at least had the decency to keep his head down and say nothing. He’d given her one long, guilty stare before pushing his food around on his plate and saying nothing.

Eventually she couldn’t take it anymore. It was bad enough being in the same room with him but with everyone else behaving strangely as well she had to leave. She excused herself and all but ran out of the dining hall. The moment she was free she made a dash for it, out the front doors, and into the small garden behind the church. The air felt good in her lungs, especially after days of being holed up in her room, and she felt free to look up at the sky and for the hundredth time that day question God as to why he’d permitted her to love someone who was inaccessible to her.

Footsteps interrupted her silent tirade against the Holy Father and she turned to find Killian watching her with a look of longing on his face.

“Don’t you have vows to be memorizing or something?”

“No,” he whispered and she found herself getting angry with him all over again. He’d made it clear the other night he wouldn’t choose her, so why was he here, intruding on her personal space?

“Then what do you want, Killian? I think you and I have said everything we needed to say to one another.”

He glanced up at her sadly and she moved to push past him, she wasn’t in the mood for this, not now, not when in two days he’d officially be a priest. She wanted to hold on to her anger, so she could have a chance of ending her ridiculous love for him. She didn’t need to hear whatever apology he’d cooked up, she wasn’t in the mood.

“Aurora, I’m not taking my vows,” he called after her. She froze and her heart began to pound in her chest. Once she remembered how to breathe once more she slowly turned to find him watching her.

“What?” She whispered.

“I…’Rora, I’m sorry.” She took a step towards him as he hesitantly approached her, finding she liked her new nickname.

“Go on.”

He reached for her hand and she let him take it. He glanced up to meet her eyes and she could see the guilt living there.

“You were right. I pushed you away because I was frightened.” His lifted a hand to cup her cheek and she felt her anger slowly fade away as she leaned into his touch. “I love you, more than I love God-“

“Killian,” she hissed. It was bad enough to think it, but to say it? And on holy ground?

“It’s true. I felt obligated to devote myself to the church because of what they’d done for me, not because I felt called to join. It’s where I felt comfortable. I had my doubts long before you came along and I’m sorry it took so long for me to admit it wasn’t what I really want.

You’re what I want, not a life being enslaved to the church. And that’s exactly what I told the Monsignor when I told him I wasn’t taking my vows.”

She pulled away from him in shock and searched his face.

Dear God, he was serious.

“You…you…you’re really not going through with it? For me?”

“No; for me. My heart was never really in this, but you made me realize I couldn’t go into the priesthood with doubts and without being completely committed to it. I would have had a miserable existence if you hadn’t made me realize what I’d be missing if I went through with it.”

“And what would that be?”

“You.”

Aurora didn’t wait for him to kiss her; instead she flung her arms around him and pressed her lips to his. He was a cowardly idiot, who didn’t deserve her, but she loved him and he was hers. She was never letting this idiot go whether he liked it or not.

“Take me back to my dorm,” she whispered as she broke away from him.

“Now, ‘Rora, just because I’m no longer a priest doesn’t mean I’m going to start breaking the rules of the ch-“

She pinched him, hard.

“Not for that, you idiot man,” she scolded as she pulled him closer and pressed another kiss to his lips.

“Then for what,” he asked, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer.

“You just quit seminary, you’re not going to have a place to live, and neither will I if they find out I’m hiding you away in my dorm. We’ve got to find a place to live.”

“We?”

“Hmm, yes, seeing as the entire town will be judging us anyway, we might as well live together and give them something to really judge us over. Besides, if I don’t marry you, they’ll all whisper behind my back that I’m the harlot who condemned you to hell for abandoning your post.”

“You are demanding, I think I need to rethink what I’m getting myself into.” He pressed another kiss to her lips and smirked down at her. “Besides, why would you want to marry a poor sod like me? Even if they let me finish my studies I won’t be able to do anything with my degree.”

“I want to marry you so I can do this whenever I please,” she whispered before pulling him down and giving him a kiss worthy of gossip. “Plus, I think we’ve waited to be together long enough and…well, if you’re going to insist we wait to have sex…”

He chuckled and kissed her nose.

“If the nuns could hear you now…give me a week away from the church, I might reconsider my views on certain things.”

Aurora rolled her eyes and pulled him towards her dorm where an unreliable internet connection and the Storybrooke classifieds awaited. She wasn’t going to say it aloud, but she had plans to make him wait a very long time to have her in every way, just to pay him back for all of the angst he’d put her through by refusing to follow his heart.


End file.
